In all honesty I have no idea where to start, so I’ll start from the beginning. When I met my husband he was already an active duty soldier going through Advance Individual Training (AIT), at Fort Sam Houston, Texas. We were together for less than a year when he deployed the first time. During that first deployment I was pregnant with our son. The Army way of life became all I knew. Within a year of getting home from his second deployment, we had our second child. I had followed him from Georgia to Colorado to the state of Washington; I gave up everything to be with my husband and father of my children. The only wife I knew how to be was to an Active Duty Soldier. Within 6 months of our daughter being born, I was asked to talk to my husband’s therapist to learn their plan of action for him and the steps they wanted my help with. Because his drinking had dramatically increased he was labeled an alcoholic, and he had been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
When I went in there, I was expecting to hear what they were going to do until his contract with the Army was up, which was in about 4 years. What I didn’t expect was to be told that they had started his Med-board and we should find out within 6 months to a year what the decision was. When I married my soldier, I lost my identity and became a soldier’s wife; that was what I knew and that was what I was. I was blindsided and didn’t know what to do. For us it went so fast I was expecting to transition fairly slowly, because that’s the Army way “hurry up and wait.” I figured I would have time to adjust but within a day of finding out he was going through the process, he was getting appointments and knocking things off the list for his evaluations. I had two children under the age of 4 and another I babysat who was 1-year old so I wasn’t allowed- yes I said allowed- to go to his appointments or information briefs. When he would get home, I would ask him what was said and for the most part he would have no idea because his memory was so bad from the PTSD.
I received no helpful information on how to make the transition easier for him much less myself. When we hit his six-month mark of when it was started we were loaded up, papers signed, and heading home. I was in shock; I thought I had more time. When we got home we had to live with my parents until we were financially able to move to our own place. That in itself was bad, but when you add two children and a veteran with PTSD in the mix, I about lost my mind. While we waited on the decision from the Veterans Affairs (VA), I went back to work. I realized within 6 months that there was no way I was going to be able to work again. When I came home I found my two children were up playing by themselves while their dad was asleep because of his medication; he couldn’t remember if he took his medications; so he would take them multiple times. I knew in my heart that if I didn’t quit my job either my children were going to be hurt or my veteran was. I was not prepared for this, but I was an Army wife; we take what we get and make the best of our situations.
When we were around other people in the military they understood our struggles because they were going through them as well, but here in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, people had no idea. People would ask me why my young and able-bodied husband wasn’t working to support his family and I would have to explain about him having physical and mental disabilities that stopped that from happening. You wouldn’t believe some of the comments I got. I couldn’t help but wonder what my life had become. How had I gone from being a wife who knew who and what I was to someone I had no idea what it even meant to be a civilian wife. I had lost everything and anything of myself in that first year. I became someone I didn’t recognize. I had to stay strong for my kids and I had to stay strong for my veteran who didn’t know how to relate to the real world. I lost my voice in the mist of all that was going on in life. Two years ago on Labor Day weekend 2012, I took a step in finding the person that I had lost 10 years ago when I met my husband. I found out about group called “Her War, Her Voice” and a group called “Courage Beyond”; I sent them my biography.
I was asked if I would like to come on a retreat and meet other women who are like me. I was scared and unsure; I had never left my kids or husband for that long because they all needed me. I decided that in order for me to help them I had to help myself, which wasn’t an easy thing for me. Several times I had talked myself out of going.
That weekend changed my life. I found that voice and that person I had lost all those years ago. It might not have been loud in the beginning but it was the seed I needed to start my journey. I was able to advocate for my veteran better after that weekend and I was able to better advocate for myself. I realized what I was missing all those years; I realized at age 30 what I wanted to be. I enrolled at The University of Alabama and got accepted. I am going to school now to be a social worker because that was what I have been in my heart all those years. I found that I am not alone and many people have that feeling of being lost. I wasn’t the only one who lost my identity when the Army wasn’t “the active” in our life. I might not be an Army wife anymore but I am not a civilian wife either. I am a Veteran’s Wife and no matter what will happen in the future that will never change who I am on the inside.
Transitioning was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and the process needs to include the spouse as well as the service member. Not only are the service members losing who they were but their spouses are, too. Not only are the service members losing who they were but their spouses are, too. That old saying “If the Army wanted you to have a wife, they would have issued you one” doesn’t apply any more. They need to see that spouses give up their way of life in order to be there for their service members, so when it comes to big things they need help along the way as well.
#DeployedHome is an effort created by Bama At Work to help share the stories of returning veterans and how they have made it through their struggles. This campaign is part of the Service Member to Civilian Summit’s effort to bring together service members, veterans, their families, and community stakeholders to meet with advocates, researchers, clinicians, educators, and policymakers from around the nation, They want to better understand and explore ways that all stakeholders can improve the transition from military service to civilian life.Through the use of #DeployedHome we hope that many of these veterans will see how their fellow soldiers have made it through and can see that they aren’t alone in this battle. If you are interested in participating, you can also submit your transition stories on our website militarytransition.ua.edu .
We invite veterans to tell us their story using #DeployedHome on Facebook and/or Twitter. We want to let our veterans know they are not alone, and there is still hope for them to overcome any challenge they may be facing.
Article by Crystal Ransom, social work student at The University of Alabama, member of the Service Member to Civilian summit planning committee, and wife of an Army veteran. Her husband was an Army medic deployed in Iraq in 2004 and 2006.
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